i should let you go

Today, i can't join pasta lunch with szerhui they all..
Need to go back early..
End up eat fried rice at home :/
Well, next time sure got chance one.
Always be optimistic people, it is very important.

Years by years passed..
Months by months passed..
Days by days passed...
All this time i never realize that im the problematic one.
I didn't appreciate your givings and sometimes keep 无理取闹..
I had made you tired and stress.
Funny, i don't realize this back then
You already had your dark past, and it strike you so badly.. especially mentally..
I don't want to be a tired and stress source for you.
I want to be a place where you can forget all your tiredness and stress.
Its so unfair for you.
You gone through so many hardships and dark obstacles, you see the real world faster than any of us.
You keep telling me that the world is not perfect and everything is unfair..
That is why..
Its so unfair for you to love a girl like me.
You should deserve a nice girl who dont have any family objection problem, protected child problem..
And of course.. a girl who loves you very much and cares for you.
Im not like other girls, i admit.
Im not the kind that will do those couples will usually do when they are together.
Maybe, im not used to this kind of couple thing. and im not used to what a couple must do.
Im just.. weird, i can say.
I admit that i have feelings towards you.. but i guess our love concepts are aint the same..
You will do those romantic things .. whereas im not.
I just want you to know my feelings towards you.. but i didnt show my love to you.
All this time, you're the one who keep giving .. and i give nothing.
All this time, you're the one who keep tolerating me .. but can you tolerate me forever?
It won't change anything by tolerating. Im still the same me, because you tolerate me too much.
All this time, it has clearly prove that im a burden to you.
It proven that i can't be the one that you can forget all the tiredness and stress..
That is why..
I should let you go.
Today morning you called me in college.. you asked me not to think anymore..
You want us to be like normal.. you begged me not to think others anymore and be at your side..
But..
Can we really be together?
I couldn't be the selfish one.
You realize how hard it is for us to be together and you work hard for it.. whereas im doing nothing.
You need to face my family problems, my big family problem .. i haven't tell you about this yet.
There are more obstacle that you didnt know that you need to face yet.
I know very well, that is why i can't let you face those anymore.. its tiring..
Maybe.. we are not the right one. i dont know.
Yesterday i think whole day..
If i let you go, i cant guarantee that i will find other guy like you..
You know me way too well. I scare that i can't find another guy like you.
I don't know what i will be
if we didnt chat with each other, didnt call or text each other and didnt receive your ohayo and oyasumi message..
I've been thinking that.. if we aren't the right one, why must we met and fall in love together?
We knew each other since Form 3.
I failed to maintain good grades in Form 2. So i ended up drop class and same class with you.
We only same class for 1 year. Just that 1 year, we sat beside each other.
But, we didnt realize that we got feelings towards each other.. since we always argued?
We even got caught talking in class and so the rumor began, but we always denied.
Form 4, we were in the different class. But you're in the same class with my best friends.
You friend with them and we also msn way too often. Then, we are close to each other again.
We even went to the same tuition. Even Cikgu Tan can see there's something between us.
Form 5, same old days. but.. end of the year you confessed to me and everything changed.
I .. can't even remember when was your confession. but yesterday you told me it was on 19th Nov 2010.
Not i don't want to remember but my brain just cant remember..
So many things happen between us....
I rejected you before..
But then after rejection, i miss you alot.
But this is a very selfish act right?
I don't feel anything when i got you, but when you left i feel so regret.
Then, i let you know my true feelings.
But then things keep blocking our path.
I keep giving you hope but then sometimes i crushed it.
I feel so sorry for you..
But,
If we aren't the right one, why we will have this kind of faith and coincidence?
I dont know whether this is a test from God anot..
I don't dare to think of it.
Im not the kind of person that can face challenge, i don't like challenge.
I just want everything to be smooth, but things just didn't go smooth like i wanted.
Im wondering that...
If we weren't in the same class with each other, there won't be today right?
If we weren't sat beside each other, we won't have feelings with each other right?
If that time i straight reject your confession, there won't be today right?
If i didn't accept you as my prom date, we won't be together till now right?
Really, so many memories we had together..
We gone through so so many things together..
And end up....
Im confused.
I dont know we should continue our relationship anot.
We haven't officially couple yet.
For you, i lied to my family.
I didnt tell them the truth of us.
But somehow, my parents know it and of course, they object due to certain reasons.
I heard you cried that day, and it was pitiful..
I feel like crying too, but tears just won't drop..
Maybe, my love for you is not as strong as yours..
I really don't know what i must do now.
I don't want you to suffer for me anymore..
Let the time proves it? No, the proving time will make you more suffer.
Im wondering..
Maybe.. i should let you go.. right?
Maybe.. i should obey my parents .. right?
Maybe.. i should lie to myself that i don't love you.. right?
Maybe.. i should be cruel once and tell you that i don't love you at all.. right?
But, will all the maybe(s) guarantee a better future for you and me?
I don't know. And i think i will never know.